There is a major misconception or generalization in the media that conflict in romantic relationships equates to “proof” that two people are incompatible and should therefore end things because they sometimes disagree. Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later extended to adult relationships, helps explain why even couples with secure attachment styles still fight and argue. We are all imperfect individuals, and therefore our relationships are not free from imperfection!
Research on attachment and relationships suggests that conflict can become an opportunity to deepen a bond through “rupture” and “repair.” What matters most is often how partners respond to conflict, and whether they can “repair” after a “rupture” (a fight or disagreement). Rupture and repair is an important part of secure relationships.
So what does a repair look like? It often starts with a sincere apology, simple and without excuses. This can be anything from “I’m sorry I said that about how you load the dishwasher,” to “I am sorry I did not think about how your mother would feel about us going away, I know that really hurt you and I am going to work on being mindful of her situation around the holidays.”
For small, everyday ruptures, an apology and a practical fix may be enough. For bigger hurts, like repeated put-downs, broken agreements, or betrayal, an apology is only the beginning. Real repair usually also involves recognizing the impact on your partner, taking accountability without pressuring them to forgive right away, making concrete changes, respecting their boundaries, and staying consistent over time. If you’ve received an apology and still feel hurt, that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong; repair can take time.
When we accept that ruptures will happen in relationships, we can turn towards how we can repair conflict in a secure manner with our partner.
A note on safety: these ideas are for relationships where both partners can disagree without fear. If you are experiencing threats, control, or violence, conflict isn’t a shared communication problem, and repair isn’t your responsibility to carry. Reach out to a therapist individually or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788).
Attachment patterns can shift over time, and the ways securely attached partners repair can be learned and practiced, whatever your starting point.
Folks with secure attachment styles tend to be able to separate true conflict from situations that shouldn’t be taken too personally. They can talk about their emotions and concerns with their partner without feeling like it’s going to ruin the relationship or cause the partner to leave.
This can look different depending on the couple, but most secure couples in conflict share these four principles:
- Show basic concern for their partner’s well-being
- Effectively communicate their needs and feelings
- Maintain focus on the problem at hand
- Refrain from generalizing the conflict or making it a personal attack
If you tend to get activated during conflict with your partner, either attacking or retreating from the issue at hand, it's possible an insecure attachment pattern (greater attachment anxiety or avoidance) has been activated. Attachment-related patterns can look different for different people: seeking a lot of reassurance, escalating the conflict, withdrawing, or a mix of these. None of these makes someone a bad partner; they’re often learned ways of protecting a relationship or yourself, and they can change.
How to Make Secure Principles work for your relationship
When you show basic concern for your partner’s well-being during an argument, your partner can feel both seen and heard. This looks like validating your partner's experience, without seeing eye-to-eye with them. “I understand why you may feel overwhelmed when I'm gone for long stretches of time, I am working to meet this big deadline at work so I need to be in the office instead of working from home. Let’s talk about how we can navigate our different schedules for the next few weeks so we both can be happy.” Here you send the message, “I see you and I hear you, your feelings matter.”
People with secure attachment styles are able, in conflict, to share their own vulnerability as well as hold their partner’s vulnerability instead of blocking it or pushing it away. It can be very difficult to have hard conversations in relationships if we struggle to own all of our feelings, even the ones society might label as “needy.” When we can connect with our feelings and have the emotion regulation tools for when we feel overwhelmed, we can come to our partner in a regulated state and communicate what we need in those moments. This could sound like “I’m really upset about something that happened today at work, I would like to have the space to talk to you about it when we are home. When you come home and go straight to watching football, I feel alone.”
Secure couples in conflict also stay focused on what the actual problem is instead of dancing around it or focusing on something irrelevant to the situation. For example, instead of bringing up how your partner is more focused on his work meetings than on how you will take care of planning upcoming travel, you focus on what is really bothering you at that moment and what is the conflict at hand. This may sound like, “Our vacation is in two weeks, I know we are both really busy this season, but can we find time this weekend to spend two hours researching and planning for our trip?” Here, instead of attacking your partner for a “lack of attention to the house” or “being absent from the kids' lives” you come together and maintain focus on the problem at hand in a regulated non-judgemental way.
Below are some Insecure Strategies to Avoid while in Conflict
- Getting sidetracked from the real problem at hand
- Neglecting communicating your true needs and feelings
- Reverting to personal attacks and defensiveness
- Withdrawing from the situation
- Forgetting to consider your partner’s well-being
If you’re interested in healing your attachment style or want to work on how you repair conflict in relationships with the help of a therapist, the psychologists at Telegraph Psychology Collective (formerly North Berkeley Counseling Collective) are here to support you. Therapists in the collective offer in-person couples therapy in Berkeley and Kensington, as well as online therapy in California, Florida, Virginia, and Hawaii. Book your first session today!